What Happens When U Can’t Spoon Lockdown? 

The swear blog is back. I mean, myexpatations. If that makes you happy, then I’m glad I finally posted something. But it wasn’t my idea — hell no — thank the hubs for that. After months of hiding under my duvet, covered in chocolate and cookies, he decided enough was enough.

It all started out chill though. A little comment here, “Wow, your hair is so long now.”  Another comment there, “Good news, the salons are open again.” I finally took the hint when he said, “You look like Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons.” Yep. Got it. 

Getting Back to Real-ish Life

So I brushed off the Oreo crumbs and frantically emailed my hairdresser a barrage of questions to make sure anti-rona protocol was being followed. Pierre was beyond helpful in reassuring me everything was safe, so I booked my date with destiny.

 

Hair during lockdown

How many questions is too many?

 

I’m pretty sure he was happy to see me when I walked in the salon, rockin’ my 3 PLY surgical mask, but I think he missed the blog more. I guess, I’m flattered? 

The conversation went something like this: 

Hairdresser: What happened to your blog?

Me: You read my blog? (brain: Then why the fuck haven’t you subscribed?)

Hairdresser’s husband: What blog?

Hairdresser: You know, the swear blog. The one that says fuck a lot. 

Me: I’ve been busy? I sorry?

 

Sorry Not Sorry

I admit, I’ve neglected my responsibility as the giver of snort laughs. But I have a really good reason. Lockdown ruled!!! Yeah, I said it. Now, I know A LOT of shit is still going down around the world — but I’m keeping it real. I loved lockdown. For those of you that had to homeschool your kids, I give you permission to hate on me right now. I don’t have kids, so I have no idea if your lockdown experience was full of the word fun or fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything. But for me, it was…kinda awesome? 

I’m crap at being a successful — live your best life — expat. So, when I was “forced” to engage my expat introverted side, nicknamed spaghetti head, I spooned it for 105 days straight. 

Lockdown for me meant:

  • Not having to speak a language I suck at — brain no hurt now
  • Valencia shut the fuck up for five minutes — it’s a VERY noisy city
  • Day drinking became normal behavior — finally!
  • Not being ashamed for running up and kissing the TV — reading is for fools (except when u read myexpatations.com) 
  • NOT WEARING A BRA — I’m keeping that one for ever

Hell, I didn’t even have to get out of bed. Just a simple, “Hey boo, I’m hungry,” and hubs would take a break from his daily — how the @#$& do I share my screen meltdown — and make some food. The food sucked, but I didn’t have to leave the bedroom. Life was gooood.

 

Food during lockdown

Hubs version of breakfast in bed.

 

Now, lockdown is over. I think. Not sure though, things are getting pretty weird in Spain again. So it’s time to start going outside. 

Gotta Bite the Big One

I don’t wanna, but I gotta go out. Mainly, so I don’t officially turn into Gollum rubbing my Doritos bag and calling it precious. Secondly, it’s time to come face to face with the beast — the social security office. God, kill me now. 

It’s almost official. After I register to become autónomo — Spain’s answer to self-harm (I mean self-employed) I will be one step closer to helping expat solopreneurs write their own non-snoozy, non-salesy copy. But that’s not launching till September, so nuff said. 

For now, the hubs and I are just trying to find a vacation place to rent, where we never have to see, speak to, touch, or hear anybody — a private pool would be nice too.

My Expatations: Being locked up with just the hubs is gonna blow

Reality: hairy legs — good, Netflix — better,  no bra — best

 

2020-09-14T19:36:06+02:00 July 22nd, 2020|Expat Life|8 Comments

8 Comments

  1. Finn July 23, 2020 at 9:46 am - Reply

    Ahhh brilliant!! Another blog of true reality, with zero fecks! Every sentence was ‘yep that’s me’ or ‘thank God I wasn’t the only one’. Love it! Good to see another fecking blog from you.

    • Janine August 11, 2020 at 2:04 am - Reply

      Feck ya Finn! Great minds DO think alike. Sorry your comment wasn’t posted sooner. My fecking notification is giving me some problems. Glad you dug the post.

  2. Áslaug Ósk Reynisdóttir July 23, 2020 at 12:59 pm - Reply

    I’m so happy you back bitch 😍

    • Janine August 11, 2020 at 1:58 am - Reply

      😆😆😆

  3. Julia Kinane July 23, 2020 at 2:23 pm - Reply

    Hilarious, snort snort!

    • Janine August 11, 2020 at 1:58 am - Reply

      Julia, you my gurl! Glad you got some snorts out of it. Sorry for not getting this comment up sooner. My notification system is on the fritz.

  4. Sheila Graveling July 28, 2020 at 4:22 pm - Reply

    I loved lockdown as well but for a different reason. I came back from holiday a few days before lockdown. I decided to give my home a really good clean from top to bottom. I cleared out a lot of clothes and did a lot of cooking for the freezer and baking. I did shopping for my elderly neighbours every week. But the best thing that happened to me was that I met a man who I could only meet when I went shopping. We would meet in the car park of the supermarket and talk to each other in our car’s. He in his, and me in mine. By the time we came to faze 3 we could meet properly. This made life nice for me and we are still seeing each other. I think the lock down actually helped us to be able to get to know more about us.

    • Janine August 11, 2020 at 1:56 am - Reply

      OMG Sheila, I’m so sorry it took so long to get this comment up. There was a glitch with my notification process and I didn’t see any comments. I’m mortified!!!!!! And your comment is so amazing. Organizing, cleaning, baking, helping people and finding someone special. Your lockdown rocked!!!

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