Hooker Hours

Ain’t nobody got time to walk around in high heels and bodcon dresses; looking like a high-class hooker. But it seems that’s what the fashion industry thinks I should be doing. Whenever I google ‘going out’ clothes for girls with my physique, all I ever see are skintight dresses, suicide heels and titi tops. It’s either that or women wearing clothes that could double as potato sacks. Is it too much to ask for just a little bit of tailoring?

Images of women with huge boobs and big booties are everywhere. This obsession with being ‘curvy’ has even hit Valencia. Apparently, it’s the cosmetic surgery capital of Spain. Boob augmentation is the #1 requested surgery. I know this shouldn’t surprise me but it does. Why? Cuz I can’t find one shitting thing in Valencia that can fit me. I got big boobs, I got a badonkadonk and nothing. Where are all these curvettes buying their clothes? It’s funny though, whenever I go back home to Canada or visit the MIL in Wales I’m a S, XS. WTAF?

The Expat Struggle is Real

I’m not the only expat that has this problem. Many of my ‘guiri’ friends in Spain have problems buying clothes.  At least my shoe size 8 or 38 (whatever) is normal here. I feel for my Dutch friends though, when they have to buy footwear. Poor bastards. 

What’s the solution? According to my husband, I should just buy clothes online like he does. Just the thought of trying to figure out my size from a picture and online chart makes me a poop-shooting fountain of nerves. 

I’m trying to make a joke out of this situation but it gets to me sometimes. If you have spent many years living in one expat country, (if you are really lucky or delusional) you start to think of that place as home. That’s until you see all the other women with giant bags loaded with goodies during the rebajas de verano (summer sales). Then you think, am I really gonna have to fly to Canada for like $1000 just to buy a new swimsuit every freaking year? Yah, no.

So, what to do, what to do?…….. HELP ME!

⬇️ NON-DOUCHEBAG COMMENTS WELCOME PLEASE

 

2019-10-26T12:27:18+02:00 October 23rd, 2019|Expat Life|5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. Tracey Cockayne October 28, 2019 at 8:23 am - Reply

    Ha ha ha , I’ve been here 2 years and I can totally relate to you .I have big boobs ,not helped by the fact I’ve gained 2.5 stones since being here, working on that one 😳
    I am the sack variety, A.because I cant find anything that fits, B because I’m too fat to wear something fitted .
    I’m only just getting my hair sorted after 2.5 years ,so the clothing is probably another 2 years yet .🤣
    And dont get me started on bras I dont even know what size I am right now I have one that fits, with a bra extender 😫🤣
    And the rest just flop out the sides 😖
    Anyway I’m going to follow your blog as I think I see myself in your I am what and who I am ,I attitude, just like me .

    • Janine October 28, 2019 at 10:04 am - Reply

      I sooo feel for you! It took me 12 years in Valencia to find a hairdresser that could handle my hair. My hair is curly and all the other hairdressers kept cutting it into a triangle. Gurl, thank god for bra extenders. I have them on every freaking bra I own. Of course I ONLY buy my bras when I go back home to Canada. Welcome to the world of My Expatations. Hey, if you wanna receive new posts automatically, subscribe using the sign up box at the bottom of any page. That way, we can commiserate together all the time.

  2. Joanna October 29, 2019 at 8:48 am - Reply

    Buy a bra from a quality maker like Primma Donna or Miss Mary of Sweden.. You can buy online and return any that don’t fit. They aren’t glamorous, but at least you feel comfortable, and don’t feel the need to rip them off the minute you get home. Also, everything is kept up, not around your waistline!
    As for clothing, separates should be fairly easy, and buy dresses that fit at the top and have them altered.

    • Janine October 29, 2019 at 8:59 am - Reply

      Thanks so much for the advice. I will definitely check out Primma Donna and Miss Mary.

  3. Aslaug November 5, 2019 at 7:20 pm - Reply

    And now even bigger….. breastfeeding 🤦‍♀️

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